


Drowning

by hannernanners93



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Crying, Depression, Eating Disorders, F/F, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-01
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2019-11-07 09:08:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17957684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannernanners93/pseuds/hannernanners93
Summary: Riley is drowning in her sorrows and no one seems to notice except for the blonde-haired beauty.*also posted on fanfiction.net*





	1. I'm Barely Breathing, Can you see me?

Trigger Warning: Depression

Riley sighed and looked down at her lap. She was sitting in the bay window alone. It was around 1 am and she couldn’t sleep. As someone who went to sleep at 11:00 at the latest, this was extremely abnormal. Her mind was racing, while at the same time, she could barely find it in her to move. She knew in the morning, she would regret staying up this late. But she just couldn’t help it. She couldn’t sleep. It was either like this, or she didn’t do anything but sleep.She was always tired, even if she slept for 30 minutes or if she slept for hours upon hours. It was never enough. Ya know, it was sort of like she was never enough. 

That’s the way she felt at least. Her parents were perfect. Maya was a literal angel who could paint the world with her art and change it. Lucas was the golden boy. And Farkle was a genius. Auggie was the baby, so pure and innocent. What was she? She was a nobody. And nobodies just didn’t make it in the world. That’s why her lunch was becoming harder to stomach each day. That’s why she never ate supper. She wasn’t enough. And she was tired of trying to be. She was tired of putting on the brave face; tired of being the one to fix people; tired of being the sweet, lovable goofball. Most of all, she was just tired. After thinking about everything for a while, she decided to go to sleep, so she got up and walked to her bed and tucked herself in, hoping tonight’s dreams would bring some relief.

The next morning came too early. She woke up to the sun shining through the window and the sound of Maya talking to one or both of her parents. “That’s weird,” she thought to herself, “Maya’s never here before I wake up. It must still be early, right?” Her internal monologue was shut off when she heard Maya yell, “Riles, it’s time to go! We got your breakfast ready to go. You ready?”

“Oh shit,” Riley thought to herself.

“What was that?” asked Cory. Riley gasped, not realizing she had said that word out loud.

“Nothing, daddy. Give me 5 minutes, Peaches,” Riley said sweetly as she rushed getting dressed, brushing her teeth and hair and spraying on deodorant and perfume.

On the way to the subway, Maya looked at Riley and said, “Honey, if I asked you something, you promise to tell me the truth?”

“Of course, Peaches.”

“Have you been sleeping well lately? You always seem tired and you have these dark circles under your eyes.”

“I’ve just had a couple bad dreams, that’s all.”

Maya bit her lip, she didn’t believe Riley but she didn’t have any proof, so she just nodded her head and said, “Ok Riles, I believe you.”’

Riley just nodded her head as they sat down on the subway and headed to school. How could she possibly even begin to explain what she was going through to anyone, let alone the only person that made any sense in her life?

She sighed quietly to herself and leaned her head on Maya’s shoulder. Before she knew it, she was dreaming of laying in a field with just her and Maya before she was jolted awake.The subway had stopped and she faintly heard Maya calling to her.

“Riles, come on, it’s our favorite part of the day!” Maya told Riley sarcastically.  
Riley’s eyelids fluttered open and she said, “Of course, Peaches,” and at that Riley reached for Maya’s hand, which Maya gladly took as they headed into the building to their first period class, p.e. Or, as Maya and Riley so lovingly referred to as the torture chamber.

As soon as they reached the gym, Riley looked at Maya and said, “I think I’m going to sit today out. I’m gonna tell coach I have cramps.”

Maya looked at her with confusion, knowing Riley wasn’t on her period. (Their cycles always matched up.) However, she simply nodded and said, “Let me know if you need anything. I love you, honey.”

At this, Riley hugged her and said “I love you too, Peaches.”

As soon as they let go of the embrace, Maya went to change and Riley went to tell the coach she was sitting out today. The coach looked at her with disappointing eyes, as she had a feeling Riley was lying. However, after seeing the look in the girl’s eyes, she nodded in understanding and told her she could sit out for the day. Riley thanked the coach and went to sit down on the bleachers.  
She watched everyone play and saw how much fun everyone was having playing kickball. Even Farkle was having fun. She sighed as she thought to herself, “They’re only having fun because I’m not there playing with them.”

Suddenly, Riley felt a tear run down her cheek. As quickly as it came, she wiped it away. Why was she thinking this way? At first she thought she had no clue, but the more she thought about it, the more things started to make sense. It all started with her identity crisis with the yearbook. However, it was also much deeper than some identity crisis. Sure, she had gone back to dressing the way she usually did. However, inside, she still felt the same. It continued with her not feeling she was as good as her parents. How could she ever even be in the same boat as them? And if that wasn’t enough, there was also the fact that someone had bullied her to the point where she broke down in Maya’s arms. Sure, she stood up for herself. And everything seemed fine. However, deep down inside, nothing was okay. She wasn’t sure the exact moment her world started to feel like it was falling apart. However, she did know that she constantly felt like she was drowning, gasping for air and that everyone she loved was just out of reach.


	2. Nothing's Okay Anymore

Trigger warning: self harm and depression

Maya looked up at Riley. The girl with the beautiful brown eyes she was lucky enough to call her best friend. She was so focused on looking at Riley’s sad eyes she didn’t hear Lucas and Farkle calling her name until the kickball had hit her in the face. The coach told her to go to the nurse and get an ice pack and sit the rest of today out. So, Maya did as she was told. She went to go sit with Riley, holding an ice pack to her head. 

She nudged Riley, saying, “How ya doing honey?” 

Riley replied, “I’m fine, Peaches, just a little tired” before looking up at Maya and gasping at the sight of an ice pack. 

“Don’t worry, Riles, I’m fine. I wasn’t paying attention playing kickball and got hit in the face with a ball. The nurse said the swelling would go down and to just keep this ice pack on it.”

“Okay, good,” Riley responded and then looked down at her lap again.

“Riles, are you okay?”

“I’m fine, I just had trouble sleeping last night, that’s all.”

“Riley are you sure you’re okay? You’re always tired and I’m worried about you.”

“Of course, Peaches,” Riley replied with a fake smile.

“Riles…”

“Maya! I’m fine okay? Don’t worry about me,” Riley exclaimed harshly, and then whispered to herself, “I’m not worth it anyway.”

Maya was shocked at Riley’s tone. What shocked her even more was what she was pretty sure she heard Riley whisper to herself: the revelation that Riley didn’t think she was worth being cared about. She sat there in shock until the end of the period because she honestly had no clue what to do.

Riley just sighed and wondered if she was ever going to feel normal again. 

The bell rang and they both headed to history class where they knew Cory was going to try to teach them something useful. Maya was hoping whatever they learned, would help her with Riley, and Riley was secretly hoping she could get away with not participating in class today. Her heart just wasn’t in it. She wasn’t sure why, but she just couldn’t see herself being able to focus. 

Riley had been right about not being able to focus. She couldn’t focus at all for the rest of the day no matter how interesting the subject was. In art, she pretty much gave up being able to focus and just painted random pictures of cats. But they weren’t purple anymore. They were grey and looked sullen. After Maya took her home from school, Maya went home and Riley locked herself in her bathroom.

She locked the door, picked up the razor she had sitting on the bathroom sink and squeezed it. She had considered this before, but no one ever knew the dark thoughts that were behind her bubbly facade. She pulled her long sleeve up, and pressed the razor down on her wrist. A tear slid down her cheek as she made several marks on her right arm. She stared down at her arm and sighed. Then she pulled her sleeve down and decided to go take a nap. What she didn’t know was that blood was soaking through her white sleeve as she slept. Before she knew it, Auggie was shaking her and saying, “dinner time!” Right then, his voice hitched and he whispered, “Riley, why is your arm bleeding?” 

“It’s fine,” Riley replied, as she grabbed a darker long sleeved t-shirt and ran to the bathroom. This was gonna be hard to explain to her parents.


	3. I'm Broken, Can you fix me?

Riley cleaned and bandaged her wrist hurriedly. Then, she put her long-sleeved shirt on and headed to the dinner table, but not before she heard Auggie say, “Mom, Dad, Riley’s wrist is bleeding.”

When she sat down at the table, Topanga sighed and said, “Let me see your arm.”

“It’s fine mom,” Riley lied.

“Well, if it’s fine, it won’t hurt for me to see it.”

She rolled up her sleeve and showed her mom her wrist, bandaged and all.

“Did you put Neosporin on it?” asked Cory.

“Of course dad, and it’s wrapped so the bleeding will stop.”

“How did you cut your arm?” questioned Topanga, who looked at Riley with worried eyes.

Riley hated that look. It’s the look everyone gave her when they found out she had a bully.

Riley thought of a fib to get her parents off her back, “I just knocked it on a railing and I must have hit it again in my sleep.”

Riley’s parents both nodded although Cory eyed her suspiciously.

After about thirty minutes of playing with her food, she asked her parents if she could go to bed.

“But honey, you barely touched your food.” said Topanga.

“I guess I’m just not feeling well.”

Technically, that wasn’t a lie. She hadn’t felt right in weeks.  
Cory felt her head and said, “Well you’re not warm, but go on and go to bed if you’re not feeling well. Just make sure your homework’s done.”

“Yes, Sir.” Riley replied.

Riley headed to her room and did all her homework. Although she felt horrible, she was still a perfectionist who always wanted to make All A’s.

After she finished her homework, she fell asleep in the bay window. She cuddled with her favorite Teddy Bear and pretended it was Maya so she could stay warm on the inside, even though she felt like she was dying inside.

Meanwhile, at Maya’s place, Katy was just getting home. Maya had already made them both some ramen noodles.

“Hey sweetie,” said Katy as she came in, kissing her daughter’s cheeks, “Ramen again? Yum.”

Maya laughed and sighed, “Well, it’s chicken flavored. Your favorite!”

Katy sighed and said, “I love you so much munchkin.”

“I love you too mom.” They really had been getting along much better recently and Maya was thankful for it. She looked at her mother with big blue eyes and questioned   
“Can I ask you something?”

“Anything you need, honey.”

“I’m worried about Riley. She’s always tired and she barely eats. She’s lost some weight and she lied to get out of P.E. today.”

“Riley lied?”

“Yea, she pulled a Maya.”

Katy giggled, but then looked at her daughter seriously and said, “Maybe she’s just going through some hormonal changes.”

“Maybe, but this seems deeper.”

“Well, all you can do is try and be there for her. If she’s going through something, she’s gonna need you when she’s ready to talk about it.”

“You’re right, Mom. Thanks.”


	4. Will I Ever Be Okay Again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure how I feel ab out this chapter, but if you read, please please please leave a review. I live for them.

Riley awoke the next morning as the sun beat down through the window. She grabbed her phone to check the time. It was 7 am, an hour before school started and 15 minutes before Maya would be there to pick her up.

She loved Maya so much, more than anyone else in the world really. And she knew Maya loved her back. She knew her parents loved her and that Farkle and Lucas loved her too. Even Zay and Smackle cared for her. The problem was: it wasn’t enough. She still felt sad. And to make matters worse, she felt guilty for their love not being enough.

After being trapped by her thoughts first thing in the morning, Riley got up and put a long-sleeved black shirt and a pair of black sweatpants. Brushing her teeth felt like it took forever, but she did it because stinky breath was not something Riley ever wanted to have. Then, she put on her deodorant.

Before she left her bathroom, she eyed the razor she had used the night before to cut her wrist. She rolled up her sleeve and found a place on her arm that hadn’t been marked. Riley knew she was lucky that the night before when her parents had checked her wrist, they only saw the one that was bleeding badly. This reminded her to put a bandage on her two cuts and hide her razor in her bathroom drawer.

Not even two minutes later, she heard Maya come in through her window and say, “Where you at Riles?”

“In here, Peaches,” Riley called from her bathroom, “Be out in a second.”

“Okay honey!” Maya explained.

Riley then met Maya in her room and they both walked to the kitchen where Topanga had toasted some chocolate chip waffles.

“Ooooh, I don’t mind if I do eat breakfast here today,” Maya exclaimed, “I love chocolate chip waffles!”

“I know you do sweetheart,” responded Topanga, and then looking at Riley, said, “You better eat this today.”

“Okay Mom,” Riley agreed.

Riley took a bite out of her waffle and chewed it slowly. It was hard to swallow, but she managed to eat about half a waffle.

Topanga looked at her beautiful daughter with sad eyes, and said, “Is that all you’re gonna eat, Riley?”

“Yea, mom. I’m just not that hungry...I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, I love you sweetie.” Topanga responded and kissed her daughter’s forehead and gave Maya a hug.

Soon after that, Riley and Maya headed to the subway. The walk to the subway and the ride to school were both uneventful.

Upon arriving at the school, Maya asked Riley if she was going to participate in gym today.

“I guess,” replied Riley.

They arrived in the gym and they both went to the locker room. Maya changed out in the open and Riley usually did too, but today, she chose to change in one of the restroom stalls. This made Maya suspicious, but she stayed silent.

Riley came out of the bathroom in a hoodie and a pair of shorts. Maya became even more suspicious because of the hoodie, so she questioned the brunette, “Why are you wearing a hoodie? It’s gonna get like really hot in the gym.”

“I’m just cold, I guess.” replied Riley.

“Okay...” Maya wanted to believe Riley, but she just didn’t. There was a feeling in her gut that told her Riley was lying, but she didn’t want to believe her best friend, the girl she loved more than anyone in the world, was lying to her.

Riley wasn’t cold at all. As a matter of fact, she was starting to sweat and they hadn’t even started to play whatever the hell they were gonna play today (it looked like they would be playing kickball again).

Riley knew that Maya was probably suspicious of her hoodie and her behavior lately. However, she just couldn’t tell her what was going on, even though she wanted to so badly.

While everyone else was playing kickball, Riley did her best to not interact with anyone other than Maya. She was never exactly a person who was good at sports. However, that day, she didn’t even try. She just kinda stood there and did what she could to avoid doing any physical activity. When she had to kick the ball, she would just kick it in the wrong direction on purpose. Despite being as inactive as she could be, she was still sweating. By the end of the period, Riley was sweating profusely causing Maya to eye her with concern.

“Are you okay Riles?” questioned Maya.

“I’m fine.”

“Then why are you all sweaty?”

“I’m just a little hot.”

“Why not take your hoodie off then?”

“Well, it’s almost time to go change anyway, so I’ll feel better when I’m back in my regular clothes.”

“Okay,” Maya responded with a tone of disbelief.

After they changed and headed to second period, Maya looked at her best friend and said, “You would tell me if there was anything wrong right?”

“Of course, Peaches. I love you more than anything in the world.” Riley responded.

It was sort of true. She did love Maya more than anyone else in the world. However, she also knew she couldn’t put the burden of what she was going through onto Maya. She just couldn’t do that to her best friend.

Maya nodded and hugged her best friend and they both headed to history class, which went by uneventfully. However, third period was the one class they were separated in because Riley was in an upper level science class with Farkle and Smackle. Riley headed to her science class and learned that they would be doing an experiment that day. The experiment had to do with mixing certain chemicals together.

Farkle was about to pour the chemical he had into Riley’s beaker, but Riley’s hands were shaking, which Farkle didn’t seem to notice. Right before he was going to pour the chemical into the beaker, Riley dropped it.

The brunette felt all the eyes in the classroom turn to her and her breathing became hitched. Tears flooded Riley’s eyes and she ran to the nearest bathroom, with her backpack in hand. When she reached the bathroom, she locked herself in a stall, and looked in her backpack for something she could cut herself with. It took a few minutes but she finally found a pencil sharpener that was broken, and was easily able to take the blade out of it.

She then rolled up her sleeve and found an empty spot. Sighing, she thought to herself, “You deserve this. You dropped that beaker. You ruined your chances at a good grade. You ruin everything. Everyone hates you.” These self-depreciating thoughts were all it took to leave 5 horizontal marks on her arm. At first, it didn’t bleed, but then all of a sudden blood came gushing out of the cuts. Feeling relief at the sight of the blood, she got some toilet paper and put pressure on her wounds. Then she got out her first aid kit from her backpack, and put three bandages on and breathed a sigh of relief. She rolled her sleeve back down and was ready to leave the stall when she heard a familiar voice say, “Riley, are you okay?”

 

After Riley had dropped the beaker, Farkle was confused as to why he thought he saw tears in one of his best friend’s eyes and he became even more confused when he saw her run out of the classroom. Two seats behind, he heard Smackle say, “Mrs. Spitz, may I go look for Riley to make sure she’s alright?”

Mrs. Spitz nodded her head. This isn’t normally something she would agree to, but the brunette had seemed off for a while now. Not only that, both Riley and Smackle were spectacular students, so she knew they would come back as soon as possible.

Farkle sat there stunned. He wanted to go help Riley too, but he knew it was probably best for Smackle to, as she was another girl. Her social skills may not have always been on par with the rest of them, but she was still very compassionate and caring.

 

Smackle walked into the nearest girl’s restroom, which is where she was sure Riley was, and saw one door closed with two Converse under the first stall. Before she could stop herself from shocking Riley, she asked, “Riley, are you okay?”  
“Smackle, is that you?” Riley asked.

“Yes,” replied Smackle, “I came to make sure you were alright.”

“I’m fine, thanks,” Riley said as she walked out of the stall and washed her hands. She may not have actually used the restroom, but she didn’t want Smackle to think she was gross. She also splashed her face with cold water as it was still red.

“Do you wanna walk back to class together?” questioned Smackle.

“Sure,” replied Riley.

They headed back to the classroom, and right before they went in, Riley asked, “Why did you come check on me?”

“Because you’re my friend and I care about you. Lots of people do.”

“Oh,” was all Riley managed to respond as they both returned to their seats. Mrs. Spitz acted like nothing had happened and Riley was beyond grateful for that.

She wondered if what Smackle said was true. Did lots of people really care about her or was that just something she said to make her feel better? Riley’s thoughts were the epitome of conflicting. Because if people cared about her, why did she still feel the need to cut herself? Why did she hate herself so much when people supposedly loved her? She didn’t have the answers, but she knew one thing for sure: she was going to try to beat this, whatever the hell it was.


	5. Let It Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: self harm (specifically cutting), ed behaviors, depression, etc. 
> 
> I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter, but it sort of came to me, so there's that.

The rest of the day went by uneventfully for both Riley and Maya. When it was time to go home, Riley and Maya both took the subway and Maya went to take Riley home. When they arrived at Riley’s apartment, coming in through the bay window, they heard Topanga and Auggie in the other room.

“Mom?” Riley yelled, “Is it okay if Maya stays for supper?”

“Of course! It’s always okay for Maya to stay for supper!” Topanga responded from the other room.

“Can Ava come too?” Riley heard Auggie ask.

“I guess,” said Topanga, “But if you make a mess with your toys again, you’ll have to clean it up yourself.”

“YAY!” Auggie exclaimed.

Riley smiled because her brother had a best friend that was sort of like what Maya was to her. It made her heart happy. Soon, the incident with the beaker in science class came fresh to her mind and her smile faltered.

Seeing her best friend’s smile falter, Maya thought it would be best to try and distract her. “Do you wanna watch Stranger Things on Netflix?” asked Maya.

“Sure,” replied Riley solemnly.

They got Riley’s laptop, went to Riley’s bed and watched several episodes of Stranger Things until they heard Topanga call for supper.

Topanga had made chicken fingers and macaroni and cheese, which was one of Riley’s favorite’s foods.

She felt her stomach rumble and knew she was hungry, so she would figure she would eat a litlte bit. But before she knew it, she had eaten everything on her plate. Riley hadn’t really eaten much in several days, so the fact that she pretty much scarfed down the food in front of her within like five minutes wasn’t shocking. She looked up and saw everyone staring at her.

“What?” she asked.

“You ate kind of fast, Riles.” said Maya, putting a hand on her best friend’s shoulder and Topanga nodded.

“Yea, hungry much?” asked Cory.

“Yea,” Ava laughed, “I’ve never seen someone eat so fast.” Her and Auggie giggled at this.

“Well, it is my favorite food.”

Riley sighed and felt tears swell up in her eyes for the second time that day.

“May I be excused?” asked Riley.  
“Yes, Riley.” responded Topanga, looking at her daughter sadly.

After Riley put her plate in the sink, she walked to her room and then into her bathroom. Her breathing was becoming shallow and she didn’t know what to do.

She started to pace back and forth and her breathing was becoming more irregular. Suddenly, a voice popped in her head telling her she could get rid of the food. She had heard of people making themselves throw up before, of course, but she had never done it. It was something sad girls did, she had always told herself. That was something she swore she would never do. But she had also sworn she would never cut herself, and she had already broken that promise to herself. What could one more broken promise hurt?

Before she knew it, she had locked the door, sat down in front of the toilet and shoved her fingers down her throat. Remnants of supper came up pretty quickly and she flushed the toilet and wiped down the seat. Then, she proceeded to brush her teeth and cup some water with her hands and drink it.

Guilt consumed her mind at what she had just done, and only one thing would help get rid of the guilt. She grabbed her razor off her sink and rolled up her left sleeve. Then, she made two horizontal lines where she found a spot that didn’t have any self-inflicted injury on it. One of the cuts was her way of punishing herself for losing it at school. The other was for purging. It was kind of ironic she was punishing herself for punishing herself. Riley knew that, but that didn’t stop the relief that came when she saw the blood trickle out of her arm.

Not even two seconds after that, she heard a knock, and Maya asking “Are you okay, Riles? You’ve been in there for a while.”

“I’m fine, Peaches,” Riley responded, “Just felt a little sick from eating so fast.”

Riley then bandaged her two cuts, rolled her sleeve back down and went to open the door and saw her blonde-haired best friend still standing there.

“What?”

“Are you sure you’re okay Riley?” asked Maya.

“I’m fine.”

“Riles...”

“Look, I’ve told you like ten times that I’m fine. Why don’t you fucking believe me?” asked Riley.

“Because I know you, Riles. And I know when you’re not okay. You haven’t smiled lately. And I mean, like, really smiled. You’re always tired. Plus, the past couple of days, you’ve been wearing long-sleeves a lot even when it’s super hot.” Maya responded hastily, “Not to mention, you just cussed, and you never cussed.”

Riley looked down sullenly and tears started to form in her eyes, “You’re right, Peaches. I’m not okay. I’m not okay at all. And I don’t know how to handle what I’m feeling.” She went to lay on her bed and started to sob into her pillow. When she did that, she didn’t realize that one of her sleeves had come up, exposing several of her cuts.

Maya came to sit next to Riley and started to rub her back, “Shhh. Riley. I know, sweetie. I know.” They stayed like that for a few minutes until Maya noticed the exposed part of Riley’s arm and gasped.

“What happened to your arm, Riles?” Maya asked.

Riley sat up, pulled down her sleeve quickly, and said “Don’t worry about it.”

“Um, you’re my best friend. I’m going to worry about it. Tell me what happened and tell me now.”

Riley just looked down at her lap and shook her head.

“Ring power, Riles.”

“Damn it.” Riley felt more tears fall down her cheek. “Do you promise not to tell anyone?”

“I can’t promise that, Riles. I want to, but I can’t. Please just tell me.”

“Alright, fine. The past couple of days, I’ve been cutting myself when I get sad or stressed out.”

Maya nodded slowly and said, “Riley, we have to tell an adult.”

“Maya, you can’t. Please don’t.”

“I love you Riles, but I don’t know how to handle this type of situation. But maybe we can find a way to deal with it without directly involving an adult right away.” Riley solemnly nodded and Maya then looked at her and asked, “Is this why you were wearing a hoodie in P.E. today?”

Riley nodded, and laid her head down in Maya’s lap. Then, Maya tucked Riley’s hair behind her ears, as if to tell her she would be okay.

They stayed like that for a while until it started getting dark and Maya said she should probably go home.

“Okay, I love you,” Riley responded as Maya went out the window.

Maya looked back and responded, “I love you too,”

As Maya left, Riley felt herself drift off to sleep because it had been an exhausting day.

 

As Maya walked home, the situation with Riley stayed toward the front of her mind. She had some ideas on how to deal with it, but she wasn’t 100% sure what the right way to deal with it was. Soon enough, she was home and saw her mom was up waiting for her.

Upon seeing the distressed look on her mother’s face, Katy asked her daughter if she was okay.

“I’m fine, mom. I just…have a lot to think about. I think I’m gonna go to bed, if that’s okay with you.”

“Of course that’s fine, sweetie,” Katy responded, “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Maya soon went to lay down in her bed, but was unable to sleep. Her thoughts were on Riley. That technically wasn’t much different from any other night. But this time, she was worried about her. She hadn’t been this concerned about her best friend since the Rileytown incident.

A stroke of brilliance soon hit her and she knew what she was going to do to try and help Riley. She was able to sleep soon after that.

The next morning, Maya picked up Riley as usual, and they rode the subway to school. When they got to the school, Maya told Riley to walk to gym without her as she had to stop by and talk to a teacher about one of her grades. Riley looked at her weirdly, but then nodded and walked off.

Maya went into Cory’s classroom. It was empty, and not even Cory was in the room yet, as it was still fifteen minutes before classes started. Quickly, she got her notebook out of her backpack, and ripped a piece of paper out. On it, she wrote, “What should I do if I find out a friend is cutting themselves?”

Then, she put her notebook back in her backpack, and put the piece of paper with the question on the desk. After that, she ran out of the classroom as quickly as possible to go meet Riley in the locker room.


	6. Escape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maya's not in this chapter a lot but this is what came to me. Maya will be in the next chapter more, I promise!

Cory arrived at his classroom at around 7:50 and went to sit at his desk. He saw a note on his desk, which was weird, because most students didn’t leave notes on his desk. Curious, he picked it up and read it and was shocked at what the note read. He recognized the handwriting almost immediately: Maya’s.

He knew the “friend” Maya was referring to was one of six. It was either Lucas, Farkle, Smackle, Maya herself, or his daughter, Riley. He hoped he was wrong and ithat none of them were hurting themselves. Deep down, though, he knew that wasn’t the case. His mind wondered through each of the six, wondering which one it was. Soon, students started to come into his class and he decided to have his first period students read a couple chapters in their history book and then do schoolwork, while he researched self harm on his computer.  


Meanwhile, Maya and Riley were getting ready for gym. Riley changed into her hoodie and wore it over her t-shirt, with shorts on. Maya looked at her with sad eyes. She hated seeing Riley look so sad all the time, but she really didn’t know how to help her.

 

“You ready, Riles?” Maya asked.

 

“I guess so,” responded Riley, “I hope coach gives us a free day today so I can just walk.”

 

Luck found them and the coach told the class they could do what they want that day, provided they were engaging in some form of physical activity during the class period.

 

Maya decided to join Riley on her walk around the gym. They soon heard footsteps come up behind them and Riley felt a tap on the shoulder, so she turned around.

 

Maya saw Riley turn around, so she did as well. Lucas and Farkle were standing there with weird looks on their faces.

 

“What do you guys want?” Riley asked curiously.

 

“We were just wondering if we could join you two on yall’s walk. Normally, we would play basketball or something, but we feel like we haven’t been hanging out with you lovely ladies as much.” Farkle responded.

 

“Okay, that’s fine.” Maya responded.

 

They walked around the gym quietly for a few minutes until Farkle decided to speak up. “Riley, I’m worried about you.”

 

“Why would you ever be worried about me?” Riley stopped to look at Farkle in the eyes.

 

“Because you haven’t been yourself. And the situation in science class yesterday was troubling to us, to say the least.”

 

Lucas nodded and said, “I may not have been there, but I’ve noticed you acting different as well. Smackle and Zay are concerned as well.

 

At this point, they had all stopped walking.

 

“I’m fine, guys.” Riley lied.

 

Maya squinted her eyes at her best friend and said, “Riles...”

 

At this, Riley felt tears well up in her eyes for what felt like the thousandth time that week.

 

“I, I gotta go.” Riley said and ran to the locker room.

 

After she ran off, Farkle and Lucas looked at Maya suspiciously.

 

“I can’t tell y’all what’s going on. But just give her time and she’ll come around.”

 

Lucas and Farkle both nodded and Maya looked at them and said, “Now I’m going to go check on Riley. You guys go play basketball or something and don’t let anyone know something’s off, okay? If coach asks, tell her that Riley and I both had bathroom emergencies.”

 

“Okay,” Farkle responded, “We care a lot about her. And you for that matter. So please don’t try to handle whatever is going on all on your own.”

 

Maya looked at Farkle and Lucas with sad blue eyes and said, “I know.” And with that, she ran to go check on Riley.

  
  


Riley had felt cornered when Farkle and Lucas had asked her if she was okay. She knew they were well-intentioned, but for some reason, she started to feel like she was out of breath when they came at her. It was like she was embarrassed, except there was no reason for her to be. So, when she ran to the locker room, she went to her gym locker and got her backpack out.

 

Her breathing was becoming irregular and tears were falling down her cheeks. She knew there was only one thing that would help calm her down. She found the place she had hidden the blade that had been in the pencil sharpener and ran to the bathroom stall. Quickly, she rolled her sleeve up and was about to form another cut when she heard someone come into the bathroom.

 

“Riley, where are you at sunshine?”

 

The brunette felt her breath hitch and put her foot under the stall so that Maya would see her.

 

Maya tried to open the door, but Riley had locked it.

 

“Riles, can you open the door please?”

 

Riley thought about it for a second and decided it would be best to let her in, so she unlocked the stall door. She knew Maya and knew that the girl would probably crawl under the stall if she had to.

 

Maya opened the door and saw that Riley had her sleeve rolled up and a blade in her opposite hand.

“Riles...” the blonde whispered.

 

Riley looked down at the ground and said, “I didn’t cut. I was about to. But you walked in right when I was going to.”

 

Tears brimmed in Riley’s eyes as Maya grabbed the blade from her hand and threw it in the sanitary disposal right next to them.

 

Then, she held onto Riley and said, “I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. It hurts me so much that you’re hurting so badly you want to hurt yourself. I just want you to be okay.”

 

Riley buried her head into Maya’s shoulder and they stayed in that embrace until they heard chatter coming into the locker room. They exited the restroom, and proceeded to go change.

  


On the way to second period, Maya felt a knot form in her stomach. She knew she had done the right thing, but she wondered if Cory had read the note and if he had, she wondered what he was going to do. She knew that he would probably make it into some kind of lesson. And she hoped whatever it was would help her know how to help Riley.

 

When they got to the classroom, and everyone took their seats, _Self Harm_ was written on the board. Riley looked at Maya as if to ask if that’s who she had found a way to ask, and Maya nodded.

 

Riley felt slightly betrayed, but she knew her best friend wanted nothing more than to help her. She saw Maya reach for her hand, and she grabbed it, squeezing it as if to let her know that it was okay.

 

“Does anyone know what self harm is?” Cory asked the classroom.

 

Upon asking the question, everyone looked stunned. However, a few kids raised their hands, among them Lucas, Smackle, Farkle, and Zay.

 

“Zay?”

 

“Isn’t that what crazy people do?”

 

“That’s a common misconception. Anyone else want to try?” Smackle and Farkle’s hands hadn’t left the air, and he debated on who to pick to answer the question. Finally he decided. “Smackle, what do you think?”

 

“Self harm is known in the DSM V as NSSI, or Non-Suicidal-Self-Injury. Although it isn’t it’s own official diagnosis, people are working on it to be seen that way. Self harm is known as a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder officially in the DSM V, although people with BPD aren’t the only one’s who commit self harm. Self harm is when a person harms themselves but are not necessarily suicidal. For example, a person may cut themselves because they feel like their life is out of control, and want to feel like they have some control over their own life.”

 

“Very good Smackle. Now, does anyone want to take a guess as to why we’re discussing this in history class?”

 

He called on Farkle who raised his hand almost immediately.

 

“Throughout history, many people have engaged in different forms of self harm. Men would often harm themselves as a way to purify any sin act they believed needed to be amended. An example of this is seen in the novel, The Scarlet Letter when Reverend Dimmesdale punishes himself through self-flagellation. Currently, people who self harm do so because, as Smackle said, they need to feel some need to control their own pain. They may also be trying to numb whatever pain they’re feeling.” Farkle was talking a million miles a minute.

 

When the young boy was finished talking, Cory said, “Very good. Additionally, I would like to add that the reason it’s important that we know these things is so that we know how to help people who may be hurting themselves, even if that person is ourselves.”

 

Riley looked down the entire class period and just wanted everything to stop. When class ended, she let go of Maya’s hand and headed to science class. She walked with her arms crossed and a sullen look on her face. She was almost to her science class when she tripped over some guy’s foot in the hallway and fell face down, landing on her wrist. She screamed in pain.

 

Farkle and Smackle had both seen her fall. Immediately, Farkle reached for the hand that Riley didn’t fall on, which Riley took and stood up.

 

“Riley, are you okay?” Smackle asked.

 

“I’m fine,” Riley said trying to wiggle her fingers but wincing at the pain it caused.

 

“Can you move your hand?” Farkle asked.

 

Riley tried to move her fingers, but she couldn’t without being in extreme pain and tears forming in her eyes.

 

“Riley, I think you need to go to the nurse’s office.” Smackle said.

 

Farkle nodded in agreement, “Come on, Smackle and I will walk you there.”

 

He grabbed Riley’s backpack from off of her shoulder and the three of them walked toward the nurse’s office.

 

When they got there, Riley assured them that she would be fine by herself, so they could head back to class. They reluctantly agreed.

 

The nurse looked at Riley, seeing how the girl was holding her wrist. “What happened, Riley?” she asked.

 

“I tripped over some guy’s show and fell,” She responded.

 

“Alright, let me take a look,” she said, lifting Riley’s sleeve up, which revealed a swollen wrist and several cuts.

 

“What happened here?” she asked, pointing to the cuts.

 

“Nothing,” Riley lied, “Friend’s cat scratched me.”

The nurse let it go, but she was going to mention the scars to the counselor later.

 

“Can you wiggle your fingers?”

 

Riley tried to wiggle her fingers again, but winced in pain. “It hurts.”

 

“Alright, it’s okay. Do you want me to call your dad’s room or call your mom’s cell?”

 

“Mom’s cell. Dad won’t be able to get a substitute in time, and my mom gets off early today anyway. You can tell my dad I hurt my wrist and my mom’s coming to get me though.”

  


When the school called Topanga telling her Riley had hurt her wrist, she immediately told her boss that she had to leave to go get her daughter. She knew the worst it could be was a break, but she worried about her daughter, nonetheless. Worry was her weakness when it came to her kids getting hurt.

 

When she arrived at the school, she went to go get Riley, whose wrist was wrapped in an Ace bandage. She cringed at the thought of her baby girl in pain, so the first thing she did was hug her daughter.

 

After she had checked Riley out of school, and were on the way to the hospital to get an X-Ray of Riley’s wrist.

 

“How did you hurt your wrist, Riley?” Topanka asked.

 

“I tripped over some guy’s foot ‘cause I’m a klutz. Woohoo!” Riley exclaimed sarcastically.

 

“Hey, it’s okay to be a klutz. Your dad’s one too!” This made Riley let out a small laugh.

 

They soon arrived at the hospital, and since the reason they were there wasn’t a bad emergency, the wait time felt endless.

 

After about an hour of waiting, they were called back by a nurse. When the nurse was done checking Riley’s weight and vitals, he took Riley and her mother to a room and unwrapped her ace bandage. He then told Riley to change into a gown so it would be easier for the doctor to examine her wrist. It would also make it easier for an X-Ray to be done.

 

She was tempted to ask her mother to leave the room so she could change, but she knew it was pointless because she would have a hard time changing by herself. She knew her mother would soon see the cuts that now lined her arms and her heart would break. But she let her mother help her anyway. Her mother helped take her shirt off over her head. And she was able to take her pants off by herself. She then was able to put the hospital gown on by herself.

 

Her mother’s breath hitched when she saw the scars on her daughter’s arms, but she didn’t say anything about it. They sat there in silence for a while, until Riley finally said, “It’s taking a while for the doctor to get here, huh?”

 

As if on cue, the doctor knocked on the door and walked inside. Riley was sitting on the hospital bed.

 

He lightly touched her wrist and asked, “Does this hurt?”

 

She cringed and said, “Yes, it hurts really bad.”

 

“Can you move any of your fingers?”

 

“I’ve tried like several times and I can’t.”

 

“Okay, so we’ll have an X-Ray done of that wrist to see what’s going on. The nurse will come get you when they’re ready for you.”

 

The X-Ray ended up revealing that her wrist was indeed broken. The doctor did notice she had some minor cuts on her arms, but he refrained from saying anything to Riley or her mother.

 

It took a while for the nurse to put a cast on Riley’s wrist, but finally, it was done and Riley and Topanga were able to leave the hospital.

 

After they got in the car, before Topanga started the car, she looked at Riley and said, “Why do you have cuts on your arms?”

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, mom.” Riley replied.

 

Topanga grabbed her daughter’s knee and said, “Riley...are you hurting yourself?” It was a question she was afraid to ask, but she needed to know the answer to.

 

“I..I don’t know how to answer without you getting mad at me.”

 

“Riley, sweet girl,” Topanga said, tucking her daughter's hair behind her ears, “I’m not mad at you. I’m concerned about you.”

 

Riley looked out the car window, tears starting to stream down her face and said, “Can we please just go home, mom?”

 

“Alright sweetheart.” Topanga said, squeezing her daughter’s knee, “But first, we have to go get your pain killer prescription first.”

 

With that, they headed out of the hospital parking lot. Riley didn’t know what to tell her mother about her cuts. Part of her wanted her mom to know the truth. Part of her was so ashamed about what she had done, she didn’t think her mom or dad would ever understand why she did what she did. Hell, she didn't even understand why she cut herself. Sighing, she got her phone and a pair of headphones out of her backpack, and played the music that provided an escape, at least for a while.


	7. You'll Be In My Heart

Topanga and Riley soon arrived home. Riley wanted to take a shower, but she wasn’t sure how she was going to manage that with a broken wrist.

 

When they got up to the apartment Riley looked at her mom and asked, “How am I going to shower? I know I need one, I haven’t had one in a few days.”

 

Topanga looked at her daughter, with nothing but empathy in her eyes. “Well, the doctor said we could put a plastic bag over your arm. I can help you put it on and wash your hair for you. You should be able to bathe yourself with your right arm since it’s not broken, but afterwards I’ll help you get dressed. Is that okay love?”

 

“Yea, that’s fine, mom.” Riley responded.

 

After Topanga had put her and Riley’s stuff up (she had carried Riley’s stuff because of Riley’s broken wrist), they headed into Riley’s bathroom.

 

Riley proceeded to take off her clothes. Surprisingly, it went well.

 

Topanga put a plastic bag over Riley’s cast, and made sure it was tightly tied up, but not so tight that it cut off circulation. Then, she helped Riley get into the shower. It took a while to wash her daughter’s hair and for Riley to bathe herself, but she was finally finished.

 

Topaanga cut the water off and grabbed a towel from Riley’s bathroom closet. She wrapped it around her daughter and helped her to her room where she helped her daughter take the plastic bag off her cast and picked out some pajamas for her.

  
  
  


“Mom, do I have to go to school tomorrow?” Riley asked after she was dressed.

 

“It depends on how your wrist is feeling in the morning, okay?” Topanga responded kindly. She didn’t want her daughter missing too much school, but she also wanted what was best for Riley, mentally and physically. “Speaking, of which, let me go grab your painkillers the doctor prescribed you and a bottle of water.”

 

Topanga left the room and came back just as quickly, pouring two painkillers out for her daughter to take, with the bottle of water she had. Riley put the two pills in her mouth and swallowed a couple sips of water, swallowing the pills.

 

“Good girl.” Topanga said, patting her daughter’s shoulders, “Get some rest, okay?”

 

“Okay. I love you.”

 

“I love you too, sunshine.” Topanga responded, kissing her daughter on the forehead and then leaving the room.

  
  
  


After about twenty minutes, Riley felt her phone buzz. She looked at it. A text from Maya.

 

It read:  _ I told you I can’t do this life thing without you, Riles. Why’d you go and hurt your wrist? :( _

 

Riley quickly replied:  _ I know, Peaches. I’m sorry. Meet me at my house after school? _

 

Another buzz:  _ Of course, Riles. I love you. _

 

Riley’s last response was:  _ I love you too, Peaches. Be safe. Don’t trip like I did ;) _

 

The brunette looked at her phone and smiled. She really did love Maya more than anyone else in this world. She felt truly happy until the events from today and the day before came crashing down on her. She was laying in her bed, hoping and praying things would get better, but they never seemed to, no matter how hard she prayed. So why would this time be any different?

 

She then proceeded to lay down on her bed and fell asleep rather quickly. It didn’t even feel like five minutes had passed when she felt a tap on her shoulder. Opening her eyes, she smiled because she saw the face of the prettiest girl she’d ever known.

 

“Peaches!” she exclaimed sleepily, sitting up.

 

“Hey Riles.” Maya said, gently hugging her best friend. “How’s your wrist?”

 

Riley yawned and replied, “It hurts. But I’m okay, I guess.”

 

“That’s good,” Maya replied, sitting on the bed next to Riley, “I hate it when you’re sad, Riles.”

 

“I know, Peaches,” Riley said, looking down at her legs, “I’m sorry.”

 

“Hey, there’s nothing to apologize for,” Maya responded, rubbing Riley’s back.

 

“But I feel like there is, Maya. I feel like there’s something wrong deep inside of me and it’ll never stop affecting me.” Tears were starting to fill Riley’s eyes as she continued, “And I don’t know if I’ll ever get better. I don’t know if I even want to.” The last sentence was a whisper as she brought her knees up to her chest and held onto them awkwardly with the hand that didn’t have a cast.

 

Maya just continued to rub Riley’s back and held her tightly while she whispered, “It’s gonna be okay, Riles. It’s gonna be okay.”

 

Suddenly, Maya started to sing to her best friend, “ _ Come stop your crying, it will be alright, Just take my hand, and hold it tight.” _

 

This made Riley look up slightly and grab onto Maya’s hand with her hand that wasn’t wrapped in a cast. Maya continued to sing, as she used her thumb to wipe tears from Riley’s eyes. “ _ I will protect you from all around you. I will be here don’t you cry. For one so small, you seem so strong. My arms will hold you, keep you safe and warm. This bond between us can’t be broken. I will be here, don’t you cry.” _

 

Riley lifted her head up a little more and gave Maya a weak smile as she continued singing to her. As Maya finished up the song, Riley looked at her best friend, who she loved more than anyone in the world and whispered, “Thank you. I love you, Peaches.”

 

“I love you too, Riles.” Maya replied and kissed her best friend’s forehead.

 

Suddenly, they heard Cory yell, “Girls, it’s supper time!”

 

“Coming, Mr. Matthews!”

 

“Peaches, go ahead, I’ll be in there in a second,” Riley said.

 

“Okay, Riles.” Maya responded and kissed Riley on the cheek.

 

As Maya left the room, Riley quickly went into her bathroom and pulled one of her pant sides down with her one working arm. She then found the razor she’d been using to inflict harm on herself. Then, she proceeded to slash her leg two times where no one would see it.  _ Why are you so fucking worthless?  _ She thought to herself.  _ Maya sings you that beautiful song and you still go and scar your own skin. You’re fucking hopeless. Don’t you dare think about eating because you don’t deserve it after what you just did. _

 

Sighing, she quickly bandaged the cuts and pulled her pants leg all the way back up with her one working arm. She then headed to the living room for supper, hoping nobody would be suspicious of the couple extra minutes she spent in her room.

 

Sitting down at the table in her usual spot, she looked up, seeing everyone looking at her with worried eyes.

 

“What?” She asked.

 

“Nothing, sweetie. We were just waiting for you to eat. I made meatloaf and macaroni and cheese.”   
  


“That’s good,” Riley replied, seeing the plate that was fixed in front of her.

 

“You okay, Riles? You love mac n cheese. Why aren’t you eating?” Maya asked.

 

“I guess I’m not that hungry.” Riley responded.

 

“It could be those painkillers they prescribed you, Riley,” Topanga said, looking at her daughter,

“Speaking of which, don’t forget to take some before bed, okay?”

 

“Yea, could be,” Riley responded, staring blankly. “I’ll be sure to do that.”

 

“Well, sweetie, you need to try to eat something,” Cory told her daughter.

 

“Okay.” Riley said flatly, taking a couple tiny bites and cutting up the rest of her food throughout the rest of meal time.

  
  


After supper was over, Maya told Riley, “I have to go home. Mom’ll be worried if I’m too much later. Love you Riles and remember to call me if you need me.”

 

Riley embraced Maya in a hug and kissed her best friend’s temple, “I love you too.”

 

“Mom, is it okay if I go to bed? My wrist hurts.”

“You can in a few minutes, but first, your dad and I need to talk to you and you need to take your painkillers, okay?”

 

That sentence always gave Riley intense anxiety no matter how many times it was said. However, she swallowed two of her painkillers as her mom gave them to her and drank a few sips of water with it. 

 

“Mom, can I stay up and watch TV?” Auggie asked.

 

“No, sweetie, you need to go to bed. You have a spelling test tomorrow, remember?”

 

“Aw man,” Auggie replied, but hugged his mom anyway, and enthusiastically exclaimed, “Love you mom. Love you dad. Love you Riley!” After hugging them all and telling them each good night, he went to his room.

 

“So, what’s up?” Riley asked, still sitting down but ready to leave the minute the conversation got awkward.

 

“We wanted to talk to you, Riley, because we’re worried about you.” Topanga explained.

  
  


“Why would you be worried about me?” Riley asked.

 

“Well, because the nurse told me she saw some cuts on your arms when you went to get checked out for your wrist earlier and your mother said something similar. And the fact that Maya left the note about someone in my class self-harming...Riley, have you been cutting yourself?” Cory asked.

“What? No! Of course not! Why would you even think such a thing?!” Riley exclaimed.

 

“If you haven’t been, then show us the arm you can. I know you can’t show me your arm with the cast on it and that’s okay. But roll your sleeve up and show us your other arm, Riley. Please.” Topanga all but begged.

 

Riley felt tears form in her eyes as she rolled her sleeve up, showing all the cuts that had been made on her arm. Silence filled the air for what felt like hours.

 

“Mommy, daddy, please say something.” Riley said, as she fell down, knees falling hard on the floor, and sobs escaping her body.

 

“Riley, it’s okay,” Topanga said, as she went to grab her daughter and hold her but Riley just pushed her away. “Get off me! You can’t love me, not after this. You just can’t.”

 

“But Riley, we can’t leave you alone. We do love you, we do. We want to help you. Please let us help you.” Cory said.

 

“But what if there’s no help for me?” Riley asked, tears still falling down both of her cheeks.

 

“Oh but sweetie, there is.” Topanga responded, carefully going back to her daughter and wrapping her arms around her. “Why don’t I take you to a therapist tomorrow?”

 

“You think I’m crazy?!” Riley exclaimed.

 

“No, Riley, we don’t think you’re crazy. We think you need help.” Cory all but whispered.

 

Pretty soon, Riley’s sobs subsided and she fell into her mother’s chest, practically falling asleep. Topanga looked at Cory and said, “Will you carry her to bed, please?”

 

“Of course, ‘Panga.” Cory responded, carrying his daughter bridal style to her bedroom. After he put her down in her bed and tucked her in, he whispered to his daughter, “It’s all going to be okay, Riley bear. It’s all going to be okay.” Before he left the room, he kissed her temple and prayed that he was right. He wanted nothing more than for his daughter to be okay. But he had never dealt with anything like this before. Still, he was confident that he and Topanga would do everything they could to help their daughter and that was something he took comfort in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song, included in this chapter is You'll Be In My Heart by Phil Collins! No Copyright infringement intended.


End file.
